March 12, 2015

How Winter is Like A Scorned Woman

How Winter is Like A Scorned Woman

For a veteran Floridian (18 years & counting), who formally resided in the cold Northeast for majority of her life, I thank my lucky palm trees that I now live in the South. Your body gets so used to the warmth, that when you do visit the bitter cold, you feel like you are slowly being tortured by a real crazy person. After recently spending 5 days in the Northeast at my sister’s, I have come to the conclusion that winter is like a scorned woman: A real psycho bitch!

You know that saying, ‘Hell hath no fury like a scorned woman’?  Hell hath no fury like a Northeast winter! It’s bitter, it will rip you apart, and it will make your life a living hell – in more ways than one.

She’ll Mess With Your Car.

You know your prized possession? The one you wash, wax and secretly caress when no one’s watching? Winter will destroy it like a woman with a set of keys (or a knife) to your door panel. Dirt, grime and dried snow gunk will engulf your ride and leave it looking like a piece of garbage. Don’t forget about the ice either. That will stick on to your paint job like someone just egged your car! Even driving is a death trap waiting to happen. With 6 foot piles of snow/ice on the sides of the roads, there is barely enough room for your car. Driving down a two-way street eerily feels like someone is going to run you off the road at any second.

She’ll show up on your doorstep, front lawn and maybe even try to sneak through a window.

You know how some crazy chicks can just show up when you least expect it. Well, so does snow. It’ll kill your lawn, freeze your begonias, maybe even try to creep inside your home via clunky snowboots, a window or crack in your roof. It’ll do just about anything to get in, to snoop around and make you wish you were dead.

She’ll want to inflict bodily harm to you.

Be sure you fully protect your body when you are living in the bitter cold. I’m not talking about the obvious lines of defense either. That dry, cold air will kill your throat and make your skin chapped as if some crazy broad took sand paper to your knuckles! Always be on guard, you never know if there’s an ice patch hiding on your driveway or front porch just waiting to knock you on your ass.

She’ll make you not want to leave the house. Ever. 

Have errands to run? HA! Winter laughs in your face like that scorned woman seeing you with a new girlfriend who isn’t as pretty as she is! So, good luck getting them done. There are only one of two options for you in this situation: 1. You are stuck in your house for days on in due to the massive amounts of snow getting dumped by mother nature. Or 2. You are stuck in your house because your driveway is blocked from the snow plows. Cabin fever, here you come!

Just when you think she’s gone, she pops back in for more!

Just when you think you might have some reprieve from the bitter, icy cold, you are hit with yet another storm!  That day of 40 degrees was only a tease. That glimmer of hope that you thought the snow was gone for good was shattered into a million pieces. You thought you were free of winter’s clutches then she freakin’ calls for another booty call.

Just like that gorgeously, scorned woman, the snow will suck you in with her blinding beauty then spit you out when she’s made her revenge! So fear not my Northeast friends, the winter will disappear sooner than you think and a newer, hotter and sexier season will be upon you.

But always remember, she will be back. They always find a way back.


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