Some might refer to it as the “ooopsie” baby or “the accident”. In my house, we call it the “holy shit WTF happened” baby.
2 years ago my husband and I got engaged, bought a town house and were planning a wedding. It was an extremely stressful yet amazing time in our life. We had the most perfect wedding – everything was just the way we wanted it and all our guests had a blast. After the wedding, we spent 7 days in the Dominican Republic…7 rainy days. Just our luck. When we got back, we were so excited to start the next phase of our life. We had all these plans to travel, finish furnishing our house and going out with friends.
Fast-forward to 2 months after our wedding and soggy honeymoon.
I wasn’t feeling right. Something was up with my body and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I was beyond exhausted allllll the time and I had cramps for like 2 1/2 weeks. I seriously thought there was something wrong with me. I chalked it up to getting my period until said period never came. Then it hit me – am I knocked up?! I kept thinking there’s no way in hell I could be pregnant. Nuh uh, impossible. So one night, my husband went to his guitar lesson and I went out and bought a pregnancy test, just to ease my mind.
Then reality pimp slapped me in the face. Pregnant. 2 stupid little pink lines. Are you fucking kidding me?!!??!
I was sick to my stomach. I was in no way ready to have a baby nor did I want one at that time. When my husband came home and I told him, we both just sat there in shock. Then his excitement kicked in. I was still waiting for mine but it was no where in sight. We had so many plans we wanted to accomplish before starting a family. WTF are we gonna do?!?!!
Majority my pregnancy was extremely rough and it started pretty much the week after we found out I was pregnant. I was sick all day, from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep. This went on every day for 4 1/2 months straight. I was miserable, exhausted, and nauseous – it was like a hangover that would not go away. How the hell could I be excited?
My life was changing and I had zero control over it. Being a creature of habit, I wanted everything to stay the same but it was out of my hands. That was the scariest part. I had to come to grips with the fact that my life, my body and my entire mentality towards life will be completely different in 9 short months. I spent my entire pregnancy pretty depressed. Everyone was so thrilled about our baby news, for a while I had to put on a happy face and “pretend” but the truth was I was petrified. I wasn’t ready for what pregnancy and having a baby was going to bring. I wasn’t ready to grow up and be someones mom. Grant it, there were days that I would get excited and happy but then the sadness would come right back. It was a truly difficult experience that I wish I could go back and have a completely different outlook. Anyone have a time machine or a DeLorean?
My unhappiness poured over into the rest of my life. I secluded myself from friends, family and even my husband. I never wanted to leave the house, didn’t want to go to parties, hated shopping (gasp, I know) and cried…a lot. I wanted to enjoy being married and being 28. This is not how I envisioned my pregnancy to go – I always wanted to have babies and be a mom, now that its happening, why am I not happy? I started getting fatter, my feet got more swollen and my fears kicked into high gear. I didn’t want to go through labor. I didn’t know if we could afford baby expenses. I didn’t know if I could handle having to take care of a baby 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and it scared the shit out of me.
It wasn’t until the doctors put that little girl in my arms that all the those feelings disappeared. In that one instant, every fear that filled my head was gone and I was the happiest I’ve ever been. During my sleepless nights and 2 a.m. feedings, I would think about everything and it put my entire experience into perspective. What the hell was I so miserable for when there are people out there who have difficulty having children or can’t all together. I should be on my damn hands and knees thanking God for sending this little chunky monkey to me and my husband. It was like I went through postpartum depression but during the partum.
I have learned that unexpected pregnancies can be a blessing in disguise. Everything happens for a reason and I am a firm believer in that. I have also come to realize that there never is a “perfect” time to have kids. And as cliche as it sounds, she was the best accident to ever happen to us. I have such a supportive husband and family that helped me through all my sadness and gave me the strength I needed during the down times. They didn’t judge me or my feelings. For that I am forever grateful (and indebted!) to them. I know I am getting all touchy-feely-girly-emotional and what not, but I just wanted to share my experience with dealing with an unexpected pregnancy because I really thought I was the only person on earth to feel like this and maybe there are some women out there who feel the same? Maybe? Thanks for listening to my story.
-Amanda
Oh yeah, I also learned how important it is to take your birth control regularly. ;-P
